At a recent sold-out show in Chicago, Bert McCracken wanted to apologize
to his fans.
"I'm sorry we couldn't play for you the last time we were in town," he
announced. It's hard to imagine the cackling lead singer of the Used --
who's as well-known for his back flips and onstage vomiting as he is for
his screaming hardcore -- canceling a concert for any reason.
The cause of his no-show? "I was having
problems with my testicles that day."
When Bert's not on tour (and his family jewels are intact) he often
slips into his notorious TV role as Kelly Osbourne's boyfriend. Excuse
us: make that ex-boyfriend. Bert broke up with America's surly teen
sweetheart -- with whom he shares a matching heart tattoo on his left
pinky -- on Valentine's Day.
"I'm just fucking retarded," he confessed to Playboy.com. "I'm 20 years
old and scared of commitment, and I can't tell her that."
We listened to Bert as he drowned his sorrows into a few rounds at a
hotel bar. In the process, he shared more than a few stories about his
semi-famous sex life with (and without) Ozzy's girl.
1. You were raised Mormon in Utah. Did that give you a lot of sexual
Bert McCracken: Yeah. I mean, you can't have sex until you're married if
you're Mormon. The first time I had sex, my parents found out. They were
listening in on the phone while I was talking about sex to my
girlfriend. They freaked out, man. They both cornered me in my bedroom.
I didn't really say anything. I had nothing to say. I didn't feel like I
had done anything bad, but I didn't want to make my parents more upset.
2. We hear you occasionally bat for the other team.
BM: My obsession with kissing boys is purely for fun. You know, like
worshipping Satan is fun. [Laughs] It's funny and it's fun to kiss boys.
I asked Marilyn Manson for a kiss on the lips and he gave me one. It
wasn't a big deal. His girlfriend [Playboy cover girl Dita von Teese]
didn't care. She's got nothing to worry about. She's hot! I've got her
issue of Playboy.
3. Have you ever used alcohol or drugs as an aphrodisiac?
BM: Alcohol, yes. Drugs, yes. When my first girlfriend from high school
and I started living together, we were both drug addicts. We did drugs
and we fucked for hours. I was definitely a fan of crystal
methamphetamine, but not anymore. I like Coronas now. Had some great sex smoking weed, too.
4. What about the worst sex you've ever had?
BM: I met this really insane girl at Warped Tour last year. She ran to
my bus right after I played. I had no idea who she was. It was pretty
awful. She was completely wasted, and it didn't mean anything to me. I
try not to have a lot of one-night stands. I have had a girlfriend for a
while, but we broke up. It's a sad, sad story.
5. How did you and Kelly split up?
BM: I did it over the phone. I'm such a dickhead. She's the most
important girlfriend I've ever had. We're best friends. It was just
always so pleasant when she was around. And it smelled better. [Laughs]
I've been down in the dumps. I want to be with her, but I just can't. I
don't want to date other girls. I'm just not ready for a relationship,
period, let alone a huge, public relationship. I just hope that someday
I can maybe be with someone as good and perfect as she is.
6. Did you and Kelly have a lot of good sex?
BM: She's adventurous. I don't know if her mom and dad would like me
talking about it.... I think one of the first things [Ozzy] ever said to
me was, "No sex with my daughter."
OK. We were in town shooting our video for Buried Myself Alive. She has
these [chauffeurs] that drive her around, and they were taking me back
to the airport. One of her friends was up in the front seat with the
driver, and Kelly jumped in the back and we made love in the back seat
of the SUV. It was really sweet. She's back in LA right now, crying
about some stupid boy who broke her heart.
7. On one episode of The Osbournes, Jack suggested you didn't have a
clean sexual bill of health.
BM: I don't even know where he came up with the shit he was talking
about. He said that people in my band call me "cauliflower dick" because
I fucked a lot of girls. Which, well, I did have sex with a lot of girls
last year. I'm not going to lie. It was my first year out touring. But I
don't know why he came up with all that shit. Maybe he was jealous that
I was dating his sister. Maybe he's jealous that he'll never be able to
do what I do. How could he? Even Kelly doesn't get the respect that she
deserves because she's Ozzy's daughter. But he could never sing in a
band. It just wouldn't work. Plus, he's not as good-looking as I am.
8. Does Kelly have nice lingerie?
BM: She has the dopest clothes ever! She has all these little cute
undies. She had this cute little purple underwear that she would wear. I
don't know if she ever wore them special for me, but I think she did a
9. Are purple panties your fetish?
BM: Maybe they are. [Smiles] I like a girl who's really soft and sweet,
who touches my hands a lot, who kisses my stomach.
10. Let's head a little further south. Do you prefer to give or receive?
BM: Give. I love eating pussy. It's my favorite thing, besides rock and
roll. The taste is really soft, and it's really amazing to see a woman
getting pleasure from me.
11. Do you ever watch porn?
BM: Sometimes. Not with Kelly. One time we watched The Ozzporns together
to check it out. It was pretty ridiculous. The girl that played her was
so horrible. She was just some skinny white trash chick. But we've never
watched porn to get turned on. She's totally not into porn.
12. What's better than sex?
BM: Sometimes kissing is better than sex. Especially kissing someone for
the first time. My first kiss with Kelly was really special. We were on
the beach. I leaned in to kiss her, and she turned her head away, so I
thought she didn't want to kiss me. She's really shy. And then we both
kind of moved in at the same time. She's got the perfect lips, too.
She's the best kisser in the whole world. She's really good with her
tongue, and she doesn't spit all over the place. Well, if the moment's
right, she'll spit all over the place. [Laughs]